Responding to Caregiver Criticism
If it makes you feel any better, your calmness will only frustrate someone whose goal is to make you angry.
1. Acknowledge their concern, then ask what they’d suggest instead
When someone criticizes how you did something, it’s automatic to snap back defensively. But that’s only going to cause a shouting match that will leave your blood boiling and won’t stop the criticism from happening again.
Next time, acknowledge their concern and ask for their suggestions on how to improve. You might not be interested in their opinion, but because they’re probably expecting a fight, this response will surprise them and change the tone of the conversation.
For example:
Your sister says: Why did you give Mom a cheeseburger and chocolate milkshake for lunch? That’s so unhealthy! Are you trying to give her a heart attack?
You could say: I see why you’re concerned. The truth is, Mom’s appetite has been really bad lately. Her doctor says that anything, even unhealthy foods, are better than not getting enough nutrition. What other kinds of foods would you suggest?
2. Repeat the criticism back to show how it made you feel
Some people don’t think before they speak and don’t realize they’ve hurt your feelings or come across as critical. It’s possible to let them know that what they said was not acceptable without starting a fight. Do this by calmly repeating it back to them, but using an “I” statement.
Example 1
Your brother says: I’m too busy to help out.
You could say: I feel like you don’t value my time and take what I do for granted when you say that you’re too busy to visit or help out with Dad.
Example 2
Your adult child says: Why are you sending Dad to that adult day place? He doesn’t need that and he’s not like those other people! He should be at home with you. You’re always at home anyway.
You could say: It really upsets me when you tell me how I should be doing things without first understanding the real situation with your father.
Example 3
Your aunt says: This kitchen isn’t as clean as she used to keep it! And that living room looks like it hasn’t been dusted in weeks! Do you even try to keep your mom’s house clean?
You could say: It makes me feel unappreciated when you focus on what else needs to be done instead of recognizing all the things that I already do for my mom.
3. Politely stand up for yourself
Some criticism is completely out of line. In these cases, you should absolutely stand up for yourself. The trick is to do it calmly and politely. That way, the person saying those things will be more likely to listen to you and think twice before saying things like that again.
For example:
Your brother says: You’re obviously neglecting mom! You don’t even bathe her every day. She loves to be clean and shower every day.
You could say: I’m not neglecting Mom. Because of her Alzheimer’s, she’s developed a fear of bathing. Her doctor said that we only need to do it twice a week. Her clothes are always clean and she’s healthy, well-fed, and happy. It’s clear that I’m doing a great job caring for her.
Bottom line
Screaming at people who criticize you might feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t help reduce your stress or cut down on future comments. You might even feel worse later because you didn’t get your point across or say what you really wanted to.
The next time someone tries to tell you how you should be caring for your older adult, improve your own health by counting to ten and trying one of these responses.
By DailyCaring.com
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Caregiving
More to Dementia than Memory Loss
Dear Mary, The doctor says my mother has dementia. I understand that the dementia makes her forgetful, which is why I moved her in with me, my wife and children. But she is constantly trying to get out of the house and says she wants to go home. Even in the middle of the night, she wanders all over the house. Would it help to post signs up at the doors reminding her that she is home? More to Dementia than Memory Loss
Dear Reader, Memory loss is only one aspect of dementia. Wandering is very common and can be caused by many factors.
Individuals with dementia wander when in an unfamiliar setting or when the setting is overwhelming. Constant noise, such as from a television left on, can be overstimulating and individuals may search for a safe, quiet area.
Persons with dementia are often searching for something, although they may not remember what they are searching for. They may be looking for the bathroom or for something to eat. Oftentimes, they wander because they are bored or because they are reacting to old memories, such as going to work or to the grocery store.
Wandering in itself is not necessarily bad, as long as the individual is in a safe environment. Ensure there are no safety hazards in the house (scatter rugs and extension cords she could trip over) and make sure the house is well lit. If you have stairs, put a gate at the top to prevent falling.
Make sure that she is unable to unlock the doors to go outside; you may need to put a deadbolt toward the top of the door. You can also add door knob safety covers on outside doors. Sometimes a dark-colored floor mat in front of the door will deter someone with dementia from venturing out.
In addition to living with her dementia, the move to your home has added to her confusion. Wanting to go home is also a common expression and a desire for safety and familiarity. Instead of correcting her and trying to orient her to the current living situation, go “home” with her by asking about her memories. What kinds of flowers did she grow? What was her favorite room?
Dear Mary, My father-in-law moved in with us after his wife died. He had been diagnosed with dementia within the past year but had been functioning quite well when his wife was the caregiver. Now, however, he seems to have lost interest in doing anything for himself, including bathing. That has become a big issue. His body odor is terrible and he wears the same clothes for a week or more. My husband is uncomfortable with the whole situation, and I just don’t know how to deal with it.
Dear Reader, The loss of you father’s-in-law wife and his home may be contributing to depression, in addition to his diagnosis of dementia. Please let his physician know what behaviors you are noticing so a determination can be made if medication may help him through this tough time.
Bathing often becomes an issue of individuals living with dementia. While many physicians recommend older adults shower or bathe at least once a week to reduce the risk of infections, there are many different avenues we can use to provide hygiene care. In your father’s-in-law situation, it might be helpful for your husband to encourage his father to bathe with your assistance behind the scenes.
Rather than make an issue out of bathing, be matter-of-fact in the presentation — “It’s Friday, Dad. Let’s wash up before we go get pizza.” Make sure the bathroom is warm and is ready with towels, soap, and water already at the right temperature. Have his clean clothes ready. If your father-in-law is able to wash himself, allow for privacy. Follow up this routine with positive reinforcement.
I recently spoke with another caregiver who experienced a similar situation. She hired a home care worker who was able to get her father into a hygiene routine with very little resistance. If this is a situation that neither you nor your husband are comfortable to tackle, you may want to look into hiring some in-home assistance.
Mary Chaput at the Department of Aging and Disabilities in Annapolis, MD
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Almost half of seniors aged 65 and older take at least five different prescription drugs regularly, and one in four take between 10 and 19 pills each day according to data compiled by Kelton Research. In addition, more than half of seniors admit to not taking their medications as directed, and the adherence rate decreases as the number of daily medications prescribed increases.
“For seniors, taking one pill a day is manageable, however the complexity of taking multiple medications each with its own set of instructions, represents a real challenge that impacts their health and independence, says Ian Salditch, CEO of Medicine-On-Time. “However, the difficulties associated with taking multiple medications can effectively be addressed through customized prescription packaging.”
Salditch’s company developed Medicine-On-Time, where local pharmacists sort and organize medications into personalized pill cups labeled with the day, date and time to take them. Pharmacists provide all the pill cups to the patient organized into colorful calendar cards. It’s convenient, easy-to-use and, most importantly, proven effective to help people maintain independence and enjoy better health. A study released in the American Journal of Geriatric Pharmacotherapy found that seniors using Medicine-On-Time were 66 percent less likely to be admitted to a nursing home.
“It is an all too familiar process – adult children sorting their parents’ medications into pill boxes,” Salditch says. “Medicine-On-Time puts this process in the hands of licensed pharmacists and in doing so helps to ensure safety and accuracy, helping seniors maintain their independence and their quality of life.”Believe it or not, research conducted by Prince Market Research shows that seniors fear moving into a nursing home and losing their independence more than they fear death. The same study found that baby boomer children of seniors also fear for their parents,-particularly their parents’ emotional and physical well-being should they have to enter a nursing home.